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No More Mr. Nice Guy

Foreword

What exactly makes one a sorry muther fucker?

It’s not any one thing, but rather a culmination of things. It’s a state

of existence that exhibits total disregard for common decency, safety,

and concern for others. It’s a display of violence, hostility, and vulgarity.

It’s everything your mother tried to raise you not to be.

If you are reading this it’s either because you are bored half to tears

or you have decided that being a “nice guy” just hasn’t turned out the way

you hoped. Maybe life dealt you a shitty hand and you just want to

express your anger about it. It doesn’t matter.

Before you get started there are a few important warnings you need

to be aware of in the event you decide to try the things in this book.

If you are actually crazy enough to attempt anything written here, the

possibility of a lengthy prison sentence should be considered. (Unless

you are so fucking crazy that you can’t distinguish right from wrong, and

in that case, you shouldn’t be reading anything except the directions on

your bottle of Thorazine.)

Most people, at least the ones with firearms, will probably end up

putting you out of your misery in a most violent fashion.

You will definitely become friendless, homeless, and your family will

disown you.

If you don’t see the humor in this material, then you are too uptight

and no one likes you anyway.

This work is only intended for humor. If you take anything in it

seriously then you need to check into a psychiatric clinic. It was written

out of love of entertainment, especially when I found myself bored.

Besides, there are a lot of self-help books out there to teach you how to

live a good life. I haven’t seen one that explores the other half—at least

not a good one.

I’ve taken some pokes at certain towns, states, professions, and

people. I hope nobody takes insult to my work. That is not my intention.

If you find yourself pissed-off about what’s written here, please don’t

come and burn down my house. I only wrote this to entertain and I

apologize if you find yourself insulted.

I have a feeling, as you read this you will actually start to see a

resemblance to people you know or maybe even you. Here is my advice

to you:

So now you’ve been warned.

Well, I hope you get a laugh or two and consider the cost of this book

money well-spent, and if it was a gift, be aware that someone may be

trying to send you a message.

Chapter 1

Get an Attitude

Let me ask you something. Have you ever called a nice person a sorry

muther fucker? Probably not.

Nice people are incapable of being SMF’s. I don’t know if it was from

good parenting or they just eat a lot of Valium and Xanax.

It doesn’t matter. You’re not reading this because you want to be a

good person. You’re reading this because you’re curious as to what this

business is all about. You’re reading this because you’re not sure that

being a nice guy is really working out for you anymore. Maybe you’ve

decided that the saying “Nice guys finish last” is actually true. Perhaps

you’ve decided to throw caution to the wind and explore your darker

side. Maybe you have given up on kindness and decency to pursue an

existence of sorriness and self-destruction.

If you’ll pay attention, review often, and follow the suggestions in this

book, I will do my best to successfully guide you to a new life of psychosis

and delusion. Occasionally, I will give examples, offer exercises to

perform, and even outright lie to you. Don’t worry; it’s all part of

becoming that certain something you want to be—a sorry muther fucker.

It’s hard to be a sorry muther fucker without the proper attitude. It’s

like anything else that requires a mind-set and outlook to provide the

tone for what you hope to accomplish. The difference is that what a sorry

muther fucker wants requires a special attitude.

In order to progress forward in your quest to be a SMF you’re going

to have to develop some qualities about your self that probably won’t win

being named Man-of-the-Year isn’t going to be one of them.

Since your new lifestyle is going to be dependent on everything in this

book and how well it’s applied, it would only make sense that we start

at the beginning—a bad attitude.

So you’re thinking how hard can it be to get a bad attitude?

You’d be surprised at how many fail at being a SMF based solely on

the good news—you’ve got the ultimate in how-to on the subject, and

unless you are a complete moron, you should be able to manage it.

Many people think that a bad attitude is just something that mean

people are born with. Not so. Bad attitudes are practiced and maintained,

they are learned and applied. A common dumbass could pull this off, but

a well trained SMF could do it on command. And that’s how you will

need to do it: On command.

The creation and maintenance of a bad attitude will set the

precedence for all the other characteristics you will soon develop. In

other words, if you can’t manifest a bad attitude, you’ll never be any good

at all the other qualities it’s going to take to be a SMF.

A good starting place would be at a time in your childhood. Can you

remember when your parents wouldn’t allow you to have all that candy

in the grocery store that you so desperately yearned for, or how about that

special toy that you just had to have because it looked so cool? Do you

remember when you pitched a fit, screaming, and crying in some vain

attempt to get what you wanted only to be told that they didn’t like your

attitude? Guess what? That was just some bullshit they put in your head

because they were worried that you’d become some spoiled little brat if

they gave into your tantrums. The key issue about those moments was

that at that point in time, according to your parents, your attitude was

exactly what you need to revert to now. Can you remember the anger and

anguish you felt at the knowledge of realizing that you weren’t going to

get what you wanted? These moments are what you need to strive for.

Not the events, but the emotions of that moment. The anger, the hatred,

and the frustration are great motivators and they are well-established,

time tested bad attitude tools. What’s even more special about those

moments is that if your memory is good, you can tap into those emotions

at almost any moment, and this action, if practiced regularly, will help

you learn to bust out that bad attitude on command.

Let’s suppose that you grew up in a lily white world of perfection and

happiness and your parents left you with no angry moments for

inspiration. (It happens, just ask Paris Hilton.) Don’t worry, with a lot of

practice you can develop some tricks of your own that will help you

produce and hopefully maintain a bad attitude. I have come up with a few

ideas that you are free to kick around if you find yourself in the condition

previously discussed, but if you want true success, you’ll need to come

up with your own.

Try some of these on for size:

Self-inflicted pain is best. Start your day by kicking a bed post with

your bare foot. Normally, this will inspire some form of rage, pain, and

anger. I’m not sure which you’ll be angrier at, the fact that you were

actually stupid enough to kick a bed post with your bare foot, or the fact

that you broke several bones, either way, you’re going to have a really

pissy attitude. The only downside to this tactic, is that you will now be

somewhat crippled.

Set your alarm clock to wake you up at 3:37 a.m. everyday. The key

to this one is that you go to bed somewhere between 11:00 p.m. and 2:00

a.m. Make sure that you place the alarm clock at least ten feet away and

the volume is at its highest level. The fact that you will have to get up

every night to turn it off will guarantee a perpetual lack of sleep thus

resulting in a long-lasting bad attitude.

If you’re from the South, visit New York City

If you’re from the North, visit any part of Alabama.

If you’re straight visit San Francisco

If you’re gay visit any small town in Oklahoma or South Carolina.

Stop any police officer and suggest to him that he would make a swell

looking hood ornament. This will surely result in an ass-beating for you,

hence a bad attitude.

Bounce a check or two at your bank and watch the fees add up.

Walk into any courtroom in America and tell the presiding judge to go

fuck himself. After sentencing and imprisonment, you will surely be well tuned

into a bad attitude

Go rent and care for your neighbors’ two-year-old for a week.

Of course, these are just a few simple ideas that you are free to

explore. If you really want to be successful a gaining a bad attitude you’re

going to have to be creative. It’s not difficult if you have a good

imagination. If you find your imagination lacking, it’s okay to ask others

for help. I have found that when it comes to bad attitudes corrections

officers are always good sources to turn to. Don’t ask me why, but for

some unknown reason these guys are masters of the bad attitude, and

more often than not you can learn a lot just by observing their behavior.

Now that we’ve discussed some ways to achieve a bad attitude, let’s

explore ways to maintain it. Maintaining your attitude will come into play

as you develop other skills to be discussed in future chapters. Keep in

mind that a good memory will be your best ally. Always brood over past

memories of when you felt oppressed or insulted by others. Harp on these

moments and attempt to relive them in your mind. Practice turning these

emotions on and off, and soon enough you will be able to turn on that

attitude problem on command.

If you find yourself in a pinch, or none of the ideas presented are

effective, go back to self-inflicted pain. This is sure to work. If you are

unable to, or just scared to inflict pain upon yourself, seek out a police

officer, or corrections officer and simply ask them why they couldn’t get

a real job. They are usually more than happy to comply with the swift

delivery of an attitude adjustment for you. Of course, only resort to this

technique when all else has failed you; you can only survive but so many

ass-kickings before you will be hospitalized with permanent damage.

The development of a bad attitude is relatively simple, hence why it

is the first topic of this book. If you can accomplish this, then the rest of

this book should be easy. Always remember that a bad attitude must be

physical as well as emotional, otherwise, you’ll never convince anyone

that you are a SMF. Occasionally, you may find yourself injured as a

result of maintaining your attitude problem. Don’t worry, this is to be

expected—it’s not a sign of failure, it’s a sign of commitment. Only a

SMF would submit himself to such bizarre torment in the name of antisocialism.

Becoming one with a bad attitude is the gateway to your future.

Almost anyone can do this at some point in their life, but what separates

the SMF from all the other wanna-bes is the ability to turn it on at will.

In order to do this you’re going to have to practice what you’ve learned

here. Practice often and don’t be afraid of discovering new ways to

enhance your abilities.

Fear is for the “nice guys” who don’t have the testicular fortitude for

being the kind of guy who wants to stand out in the crowd. You’re the

guy who wants what he wants anytime he wants it, and that means you’d

better be ready take it. How can you expect to take anything with a

pleasant and peaceful attitude? That will get you only as much as

taking what you want, when you want it, and as much as you want. With

this training, you’re on your way to finding out what it really takes to be

a SMF. No more peace-loving hippie shit, you’re going full bore. Nothing

from this point shall be done half-assed. It’s time for you to take from the

world around you and leave a lasting impression on mankind. Are you

ready?

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